Oh, Geoffrey!
by PPP SSC
Summary: Calill moans the name of her secret lust to Largo. Things get out of hand very quickly. Calill/Largo, Ike/Soren, Elincia/Geoffrey, one-sided Calill/Geoffrey, and others. Rated M for strong language, sex, and rape scenes
1. Cracked, Admired, Defiled

Oh, Geoffrey!

Hair the color of summer squash fell out of the tight bun. Muscular arms pulled the mage up into bed. Long scruffy kiss on the bearded lips, marking ever so slightly with crimson lipstick. "I love you, Calill," the voice of the muscleman said. Beauty incarnate was what she believed she was. Their daughter had been taken to the Greil Mercenaries' fort—they were happy to baby-sit for their old friends, while they had a night to themselves.

Plum-colored hair entwined with the blonde locks of the other. This was it—the most intimate moment of all. At first she moaned softly indistinguishable gibberish but soon she had said that little slip—"Oh, Geoffrey!" she screamed.

Largo looked up from his partner inquisitively. "Geoffrey!?" he asked. "As in, General of Crimea, THAT Geoffrey? Well I guess we don't know very many Geoffreys."

"It's not what you think, Largo…" Calill said, "It was only a fantasy. He never knew me." Largo redid his pants, now in no mood to be intimate.

Largo looked back at her and said, "Well, at any rate, I can't believe my own WIFE would rather be sleeping with General _Geoffrey _than me!"

She paced around the room. "Well, Geoffrey is kind, chivalrous, and loyal. YOU always leave your stuff all over the floor. And you never help take care of Amy. And don't think I didn't see you looking up Lucia!"

"That's different!" Largo insisted, "I'm the man! I'm supposed to be the pervert. YOU aren't."

Calill slapped Largo soundly in the face.

"If General Geoffrey is so damn _perfect, _why did you marry me instead of him?" Largo yelled.

"Because," Calill said, putting on her high-heels so she would appear taller than Largo, "_He's _in love with the _princess. _Oops… I mean queen."

Largo picked up his axe and strolled out the door. "Where are you going?" his bewildered wife asked.

"I'm going to pick up Amy. And then I'm going to get a divorce."

"You… want a divorce?" Calill asked. "Well fine! But you are _not _getting custody!"

-----

"And what is this?" Soren said while pulling out a card with a sketch on it.

"Fox!" the young child shouted.

"No, we've been through this. This is a desert lynx," he said.

Ike walked in and commented, "You sure are good with kids."

"Well," Soren responded, while blushing, "I just don't want any of them to have to go through what I did."

"That's very thoughtful," Ike said.

Amy looked up at the two young men and asked a very bold question: "Are you together?"

"Uhh…" Ike said, patting Amy on the head gently, "We'll tell you when you're older." _Not a chance, _he thought, _in seven months I'll pop the question and we'll be gone for good._

"Well," Amy said, "You get along better than Mommy and Daddy."

"Well that's because we're friends. Sometimes friendship is stronger than romance, because romance is sometimes done on a whim. Knowing your parents, they probably got married based on looks alone," Soren said, laughing.

"You're almost as pretty as Mommy, Mister Soren," Amy said, "And you're more handsome than Daddy, Mister Ike."

"Why thank you," Ike said, "Muscles are nice but you've gotta know how to work them."

Soren blushed, covering his face, and said, "Do you realize how un-heterosexual you sound right now?"

Hoping Amy would be unfamiliar with the vocabulary, he braved the question, "And is there a problem?"

Ike and Soren both started laughing hysterically. Amy looked at them again and said, "I notice you are very similar to Mommy and Daddy. One is a big strong man. The other one is really pretty and good at magic."

"I'm honestly very flattered that you think I'm pretty," Soren responded, "However, I'd rather not be compared to Calill."

"Yeah, you wouldn't…" came Largo's voice from the outside, "You're as loyal as is humanly possible, and Calill is a cheating bitch!"

"You'd use that language in front of your daughter?" asked Oscar coming into the room. "Even if Calill was an infidel, would it be Amy's fault?"

"No," Largo said, "I guess not. Sorry, Amy. Come on, it's time to go home."

"Moaned Geoffrey's name?" Ike asked Soren on the side.

"Likely explanation."

----

The queen was busy. She had dozed off in her throne. Geoffrey had contemplated moving Elincia to bed, but decided that might wake her and let her stay there through the night.

He knew there were still several weeks leading up to his wedding, but he still wanted to know how her bed felt. Cerulean hair entangled with the lace sheets as he rolled around in the bed. A woman walked by moving toward him. His sister? No, she was too thin. It was dark so Geoffrey thought it must've been the queen, who walked in.

"Uh…" he said, hoping furiously she wouldn't see the maroon coloration on his face, "I can explain…"

"Oh, don't explain anything," the woman said, "Geoffrey, this was fate."

"Your voice sounds different," he said, "You aren't the queen, are you?"

"No," the woman said. "She's in the throne room sleeping."

"Well then what are you doing here?" Geoffrey asked.

"I'm here to screw you like you've never been screwed," she said.

"I _haven't. _I'm a virgin. I was saving myself for Elincia." Geoffrey said, instinctively clapping his knees together, "And I'd like to keep it that way."

Calill's power hungry attitude shone through. "A man can't be defiled, or ruined. A man can only ruin. And I've been there, done that. And this time, you're mine."

"ELINCIA!" Geoffrey screamed in protest, hoping vainly that it would wake the queen. But even his strong arms were no match for Calill's threat of fire. And in an instant… all of Geoffrey's efforts were wasted. "ELINCIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" he screamed once more. Waking the queen was not going so well.

Calill left a small hickey on Geoffrey's neck before redressing herself and leaving. Geoffrey slinked over to the table and lit a candle. He observed his hickey in the mirror and shouted, "I've been RUINED!"

Even though it was rape, Geoffrey couldn't help but think it was his fault. _You shit-eating infidel, Elincia would never want such a disloyal husband, _he thought. He cried all night long, unable to sleep or to escape the trauma.

The next morning, Elincia heard soft weeping coming from her bedroom. "Geoffrey! Are you okay?" she asked concerned. Geoffrey tried desperately to hide the hickey from Elincia.

"What is that?" she asked, pointing directly _at _the hickey. His plans to hide it were not going well.

Geoffrey said, "It's evidence of my infidelity. Last night, Calill… knew me."

"What!?" Elincia asked, "Did she force you into it?"

Geoffrey gave a sullen nod. "How'd you know, Elincia, that I wasn't just a cheating bastard?"

"You were a virgin, Geoffrey," Elincia said, "I wasn't even sure you knew how sex worked."

"That's… reassuring," Geoffrey said sarcastically. "I'd better. We wouldn't want Crimea to die, would we?" Then he came to a grim realization. "Oh, no, oh, Ashera, what if I _impregnated _Calill?"

"Then that's her fault and she can deal with it," Elincia said. She pulled Geoffrey into an embrace, "It's okay. I want to protect you. I always have and always will."


	2. Shattered, Exposed, Apathetic

Author's Notes: Thank you for the review. If you want me to update The Magi then I am waiting for reviews on that story too.

Largo waited until almost dawn for Calill to arrive. Amy had fallen asleep in the corner of the room. Calill came back smelling unusual, her hair a mess, looking exhausted. She smelled like another man. Her fuchsia dress was complemented with a cerulean strand of hair.

"Calill," Largo pointed out, "I'm not an idiot. I know what you did last night."

Calill said, "Well, it's not like you can stop me. I thought you wanted a divorce!"

"I do!" protested Largo. Suddenly fire appeared trying to engulf Largo's face. Amy woke up suddenly and gripped Largo's leg, crying.

"Don't hurt Daddy!" she yelled. "Don't hurt…Daddy." She began to cry harder. She looked up at Calill and said, "Why can't you guys be more like Mister Ike and Mister Soren?"

Calill said, "Oh, you see, that relationship is different, honey. See, that's called 'friendship' and it happens between two people of the same sex. It means they get along and support each other but aren't in love. See, your father and I are 'married' which means that we sometimes disagree."

"Disagreement? You tried to KILL Daddy!" Amy shouted, "And why are you so messy? When I come in the house looking like that, you yell at me!"

"You see," Largo said, "Your mother is doing what is called 'cheating' which means that she throws Daddy's heart on the floor and stomps on it while trying to get a visit from the stork with some other guy."

Amy started to cry again. "What your father means is… that sometimes Mommy needs her space, and Daddy won't let her have it because he's a big ugly jerk."

"And because Mommy won't let Daddy be good to her and instead goes off and spends the night with _Geoffrey, _sometimes Mommies and Daddies need to stop being married. And then we'll have to decide which one of us gets you… because we won't live in the same house anymore." Largo explained.

Amy cried louder. She sniveled, "Does that mean you don't love each other anymore?"

"I love Calill," Largo said, "She just… doesn't love me."

Amy ran off from the house. Her bewildered parents stood at the doorway. "Amy, honey, come back!" Calill shouted, but it fell on deaf ears. The only people in the world who heard it were Largo and Ulki. (Ulki was a little confused, as he was only reading a book in Phoenicis, but kept getting distractions from every country closer than Daein).

----

"You know you want me, love," Ike said, wrapping his arms delicately around Soren.

"What?! At this hour?? Any number of people could walk in on us," Soren complained, blushing at the thought.

"Fine," Ike said, "We won't go any farther than kissing."

Ike took Soren's hand in his own larger one and planted his lips on Soren's face. Soren held Ike's shoulder and lifted his left leg ever so slightly in the air. He moaned softly and allowed Ike's tongue to roam free. Soren fell to the ground while trying to support himself on the edge of the table… which someone had moved without his knowledge. "SHINON!!" he shouted accusingly.

The sniper walked by and said, "It wasn't me. I wouldn't touch that cesspool anyway." He had watched Ike and Soren do a number of risqué things on that table—12 to be exact—and his only thoughts were of sympathy for Soren who always seemed to need splinters removed the next day.

"If it wasn't you, then who was it?" Soren asked.

"I'm sorry, boys, it was me," Mia said, "You see, I invited Kieran over to duel, and Ike's room was the only one big enough. But we had to move the table."

Ike looked at Soren and said, "We have _got _to get a lock for this room."

"We've got to," Soren responded, "Mia and Kieran fighting? I hope there weren't any herons present."

"You are so cute when you're joking," Ike said, starting to break his promise by feeling up Soren's rear.

"Well, well, well," Soren said, " 'I always keep my promises.' Sound familiar, lover dear?"

"Okay," Ike responded, "This… doesn't count."

"Fine amendment if you ask me," Soren said, allowing Ike to do whatever he wanted.

They were about to hit a home run when Amy crept around the corner and said, "Hello, Mister Ike… umm… you're not killing Mister Soren, are you?"

"Oh, fuck…" Soren cried, "I mean, don't… cease! Cease fucking immediately!"

"What does that mean?" Amy asked curiously.

"Soren," Ike complained, "No more swearing for you!"

"I'm sorry, but Ike, we were _caught in the act. By a little girl. _Curse you and your irresistible hotness," Soren joked, pushing Ike off of him with the backs of his arms. The two men fumbled around for their clothes, which they had haphazardly dropped all over the floor.

"What are you doing here, Amy?" Ike asked, "And how did you get here? And where are your parents?"

"My Mommy and Daddy had a fight so I left. I got a ride over here with Mister Makalov and Mistress Astrid. Mistress Astrid said that as long as I wanted to reb… reb… reb…" Amy stumbled looking for the word.

"Rebel?" Soren offered.

"That's it, that I was safe with her," Amy said, "And I wanted to get you guys to come give Mommy and Daddy a talking to about love. But then I saw Mister Ike trying to flatten you, Mister Soren, and now I'm not so sure."

"More like trying with all my might _not _to flatten him. I offered him top position a few times and he just said no," Ike answered.

"Ike!" shouted a red-faced Soren. "It's a LITTLE GIRL!"

"Huh…" Ike said, "Well she already saw the whole thing."

------

"Lucia, you could at least _try _to be sympathetic," Elincia said to her friend.

"Try to be sympathetic? Geoffrey got to sleep with a hot girl. How should he require my sympathy?" Lucia asked.

"Lucia," Geoffrey said, "Suppose you were monogamous and a virgin, and then you wanted to marry Bastian and then out of nowhere you were raped by Ike or something."

"Not gonna happen," Lucia said deadpan, "I'd be more likely to get raped by Oscar's _horse _than Ike."

"Isn't Oscar's horse a mare?" Elincia asked, "And didn't she have a foal a while ago?"

"You're completely missing the point, Lucia. I didn't want to sleep with Calill! She made me, and now I'm RUINED!" Geoffrey ranted.

" 'Ruin' is just a term those priest-types invented to keep young girls from following their dreams. But it's not 'ruin', dear brother. It's liberation. I've known 35 guys and a couple of women in my time, and boy is it fun!" she said, "Geoffrey, tell me, have you ever wanted to know another women besides Elincia?"

"NO! Because unlike YOU, I'm not a PERVERT! It's times like this I can hardly believe we're related…" Geoffrey sighed. "Lucia… promise me you won't try to pull me to the dark side."

"This is the enlightened side, dear brother. And you are stuck living in the sixth century forever, even though you weren't born until the 620s," Lucia said, "Now excuse me, I have a date with a honey-blonde at noon."

Geoffrey, bewildered at how nonchalant his sister was behaving, decided that he wanted Calill imprisoned. And the queen was happy to oblige.


	3. Vengeful, Stable, Interlude, Freed

"You and I both want the same thing, Lucia," a muscular man in the shadows said, "So why don't we just cut to the chase?"

"You really _are _a novice, aren't you?" she asked, "There's no rush. I could dangle temptation all day." She bared her left breast and said, "You can look, but you can't touch now."

"Oh, COME ON!" the man protested, "I know that you can get me what I _really_ want… revenge."

"Revenge you say?" Lucia asked, "Because your wife slept with my brother?"

"Yes, that's exactly it…" Largo responded, "So can we?"

"No," Lucia said, now seductively removing her clothes, "If you touch I'll scream. And women scream louder than men."

"Lucia, why are you doing this to me?" Largo asked, "I know you don't have a moral problem with this so obviously you're just trying to torture me."

"I'm not trying to torture you, Largo, I'm just trying to make you suffer for your art. No man who gets his way early is good in bed…" she said, "I found that out very quickly."

"Okay, fine, Lucia, I'll be a good boy. I'll wait…" he responded.

But the passion soon overcame them both. Lucia and Largo had become more intimate than Largo ever had with Calill… and in walked a tall, lithe woman with honey blonde hair.

She looked at Lucia with hurt in her eyes, "You're… heterosexual…"

"No," Lucia said, "I know no boundaries."

She held a knife up to Largo's neck. "You stole my girlfriend!" she cried, "And after all I did for your wife!"

"What did you do for my wife? Did she sleep with you too?" Largo asked.

"No!" the irate woman responded. "I gave her fashion tips from a man's point of view without the non-fashion-equipped brain of a man…"

"Heather…" Lucia tried to explain, "I can explain."

Heather walked up and slapped Lucia in the face. "Next time you decide to betray someone, do it with a different haircut," she protested.

"This old thing?" Lucia said, "It's because of the time I was _kidnapped. _Remember that?"

"It should have grown at least a little bit back by now," Heather protested. "And fuck you Largo!" she shouted as she left the room, giving Largo the finger.

"I can't do this, Lucia," Largo said as he put his clothes back on, "You're just as bad as Calill."

Lucia had never felt lower than this since when she was ruined.

-------

Ike said, "Amy, you can stay with us as long as you like. We'll take good care of you, I promise." Soren heard the familiar words and drifted into a flashback. It was noticeable, because his crimson eyes stared blankly and his smile was immovable.

"Uh, Mister Ike, is Mister Soren okay?" she asked, while observing this state.

"Oh, yeah," Ike said, "He's just lovesick. Hey Soren," and then he pecked Soren's smooth porcelain cheek delicately. Soren squealed like a delighted three-year-old. Amy laughed.

"How can you tell the difference between 'friendship' and 'married'?" Amy asked.

"Well," Ike said, "Legally, marriage has to be between a man and a woman. And friendship could be between any combinations of sexes."

"You're the hero, Mister Ike," Amy shouted, "You could make it legal to marry another man."

"Uh, no. You see, we adults have something called the 'status quo', which means what is…" he cringed at this part of the statement, "_normal, _and people like me… well, we're not normal, and we don't want people to know what our secret passions are, because, frankly, we'd be discriminated against for it. Oh, and that means, people would choose not to like us based on that alone."

"Amy," Soren tried to explain, "I know you were shown some very enlightened people during the war, but… not everyone is that way. The queen, she probably doesn't care that Ike is… a homosexual… but the people in that goddess-forsaken port town…"

"Calm down, honeysuckle," Ike said.

"That is the dumbest pet name I have ever heard in my life," Soren complained.

"Like you have much to compare it to, you poor baby," Ike said half-sympathetically. "Would you prefer 'gumdrop'?"

"Ike! Stop trying to call me silly pet names!" Soren said, "You never have before. I don't know why you're starting now."

"Are you guys 'married' now?" Amy asked.

"No," Ike said, "I already told you, men can't get married to other men."

"But you guys are having a disagreement."

"Sometimes unmarried people disagree too, Amy. And it's not a big deal—I just don't like silly pet names," Soren explained, "I have a name. And hearing Ike say it is music to my ears."

Ike said, "I'm sorry, Soren… Soren… darling."

"Pushing the envelope," Soren responded

"What's wrong with 'darling'? That's a perfectly _respectable _pet name."

Amy watched the two men attentively. She knew something must be done before her parents split up.

---------

Bastian followed Geoffrey around all day carrying a random mandolin. "Oh, he was once a kind fellow, but then he got mellow, when Calill got him in bed. His face got flushed and his heart still rushed, and now he would be better off dead. La di da. La di da. La di da di da di da. His face got flushed and his heart still rushed, and now he would be better off dead!" he sang at the top of his lungs. Geoffrey kicked Bastian squarely in the balls.

The bard (who was being a troubadour) writhed in pain as Geoffrey walked onward.

--------

Calill was lonely in the jail cell. Unfortunately, the guard had decided to fall asleep. "Oh, Petrine, you're so well endowed…" he muttered in his sleep, "And you too, Bryce." She sighed sullenly and looked out the window expecting to see the starry night, but instead she saw a brunette wearing a pink head wrap with a creepy smile.

"AAAH!" she shrieked as she fell backwards. The woman walked inside the jail and unlocked the cell.

"Calill," she said, "I sympathize with you. Really I do… Now, I need you to do something for me. I need you to Silence Soren."

"Silence Soren?" Calill asked, "Why?"

"So," she said, "I may know Ike."

Calill looked down at her feet. "But you can't expect me to hurt an innocent person just because _you're _jealous of him…"

"I could just leave you to rot in here," she answered.

"Wait, Aimee… come back!" Calill shouted. "I'll… try my best."

"That's just what I wanted to hear," responded the devious brunette.


	4. Silenced, Catfight, Kidnapped, Dazed

She was lucky enough to catch him alone. She said, "Hi, Soren, we're having an exclusive mage meeting over by the hollow trees, and you're going to be late."

"Hold on," Soren replied, "I need to get permission from Ike."

"Oh, no, it's a secret. You see, we were planning a surprise birthday party for Ike and…" she said.

"Ike's birthday was last month," Soren said. "I made him beef chili. He breathed fire for the entire rest of the day."

"Okay, Soren," she responded, "You saw right through me. I do have ulterior motives." She grasped his thin wrist tightly. Her hand could fit all the way around it and then some.

"Let me go!" he said, struggling, "You narcissistic witch! IIIIIIIIIIKE! IIIIIIIIIIKE!"

She waved a staff in front of his face and he could no longer scream for help. He mouthed the words, "What was that for?" But Calill didn't answer. She just ran, trying to run from her conscience.

"Soren, are you okay?" asked Ike, when he came running, "I heard you screaming…" Soren didn't respond. He just looked into his worried eyes and then away. "Soren, were you Silenced?" Ike asked. Soren simply nodded in reply, a tear rolling down his cheek.

Ike put Soren in bed and commanded, "You're staying here today. I don't want you going into any battles in this condition."

Rhys rushed into the room and said, "Bad news. Muston said Aimee burned all the Restore staves in reserve, and when he asked why, she responded 'I always get what I want.'"

"Aimee did this to my sweetheart? She'll pay. Oh, she will pay," Ike said, holding his sword menacingly. Soren imagined Ike in shining silver armor aboard a white stallion, then with beautiful wings and a golden halo. He couldn't comment, but he smiled.

------

Five hours after dinner, Ike was in bed, holding Soren protectively. But Soren was knocked to the ground with a thud. Aimee removed her clothes along with Ike's. Ike woke up to realize he was under Aimee. "AUGH!" he screamed in protest, knocking her to the floor. Soren woke up under the pressure of her body, and saw that she and Ike were both naked. Soren tried to cast a spell of wind on Aimee that would knock her clear across Hatari, but he was unfortunately still Silenced.

"That's right, Soren," Aimee gloated, "I knew Ike. And you can't do anything about it because you can't talk." Memories flooded Soren's head of being helpless to cope against attacks before he could speak. Hot tears ran down his face. He looked just about ready to give up, when suddenly he pulled up his left hand to Aimee's face, and quickly ran his nails across it. She responded with a similar gesture from her right. Aimee's strike drew blood. This was war. But Aimee knew she had the upper hand in this fight. Right between Soren's legs, Aimee struck. Soren let out a mad yelp.

"I bet you didn't know," Soren said, "Weakness strikes nullify Silence." He collapsed onto the ground in uncontrollable pain. Ike rushed over to him.

"Soren, did she hurt you?" he asked.

"No," Soren replied, "I'm fine. Don't worry about it." But Ike saw blood gushing down Soren's legs. He immediately stripped Soren of his clothes and examined the injury. It was pretty bad, all right.

"You die… now…" Ike said, as he pressed his sword under Aimee's chin.

"No, please…" she said, trying to wriggle free of this trap.

He thrust his sword into her chest and she fell to the ground. "Please, Ike, have mercy," she shrieked, trying her hardest to live. Seeing the pain in Aimee's eyes reminded Soren of how he felt when the townspeople would throw stones at him. He reluctantly held up a heal staff and waved it over her.

"Why did you save me?" she asked, "I practically castrated you!"

"Yes," Soren said, "And you tried to steal my boyfriend, raped him, let Calill out of jail, made her Silence me, made it impossible for Rhys to buy a Restore staff, and left scars on my face from your sharp fingernails…" He turned to her and said, "All emotion dictates that I should just let Ike kill you and watch as you fall dead before my eyes. But you are useful. You're annoying—to an extreme—but you're useful. And that's why I chose to spare you."

Ike looked at the blood on his sword. How ironic that Soren chose to spare someone Ike had no problem offing. Usually, it was the other way around.

-----------

The next evening, Largo made his way into Ike and Soren's bedroom, and Soren wasn't afraid to scream. "AAAAAAAAH!" he yelled, "IIIIIIIIIIKE!"

"Shut up," Largo whispered, putting his hand over Soren's mouth, "I don't want Ike to wake up."

Soren for the second time today cursed his physical frailty. "I need your help with something," Largo said. Soren squirmed around in his grasp, trying to shriek through Largo's hand.

Largo picked up Soren and carried him out the door. Soren was terribly frightened by this gesture. Soren was dropped in a clearing in a forest, where he saw Ilyana all dirty, with a string tied to a bone in front of her and chicken grease all over her lips, Tormod holding a ransom note saying "WE HAVE MUARIM", and Bastian who smelled of alcohol and was still carrying a random mandolin.

"For the love of Altina, Largo!" Soren yelled, "What do you want with us?"

Ilyana asked woozily, "Is there more chicken?"

Tormod said observing his surroundings, "Somehow I think I've been tricked."

Bastian said, "Tricked not by the cunning beauty of Lucia… Cia… Cia… Hey, Soren, want some wine?"

Soren shied away instinctively. "If there's some bread with that wine, I'll take it!" Ilyana offered.

Largo stood at the center of the four, "Ahem… the reason I had called you here is because I need to know what mages like."

"What… mages like," Soren said, "And you expect observing an obsessed person, a compulsive eater, a delusional bard, and an abolitionist is going to help you find out what _Calill _likes."

"Diamonds are a girl's best friend, Calill told me," Ilyana explained, "But I think it's manicotti with garlic bread."

"Diamonds!" Largo said, "But where can I find diamonds?"

"There's a diamond mine up by Ohma," Soren responded, "You'd best check there, but you should watch out because I heard there is a frightening thief there."

"Yeah," Tormod responded, "So you might want to take a laguz along just in case… I'm sure Vika would be happy to go. She likes diamonds."

"One flaw in your theory though," Soren said, "What if the frightening thief is or has an archer? Or a wind mage?"

"Sounds like a good time for you and me to hustle," Ilyana said, "You and I are both so pale and thin they'd never expect we were threats."

"And me too," Tormod said, "Since I'm so short."

"Okay, problem solved," Soren said, "But how am I going to explain to Ike without him tagging along and risking his life to protect me?"

"You could always—hiccup—say that it was just a research trip, and that the tomes were just for in case of emergency," Bastian responded, "As always, I will lead."

"No, this is a mission for _Largo," _Tormod responded.

-------

Geoffrey awoke in the castle, in Elincia's bed. She walked over to him and said, "Oh, I'm so glad you're alright. What happened to you? I found you unconscious in the square."

"Where's Bastian?" he asked worriedly, "The last thing I remember is kicking him in the balls!"

Elincia looked shocked. "Man, what did he do?"

"He was making light of my ruin," Geoffrey answered. "I realize that's no excuse but… oh my gosh! What happened to him? Did Calill get HIM too?"

"Nonsense, Geoffrey, Calill is locked up in jail…" Elincia said.

"No, she's not," a familiar voice cried out, "She escaped."

"Lucia, are you sure?"

"Yes," Lucia said, "I found out that the stupid guard was too busy sleeping to keep watch, and SOMEONE let her out."

Geoffrey said, "Now we have two criminals to track down, and I don't know where either of them are. Or Bastian!"

----------

Amy walked into Ike's bedroom at near sunrise and was surprised to see Soren was missing from Ike's arms. "Mister Ike, wake up," she said, shaking him.

Ike didn't budge. Amy screamed, "Mister Ike, wake up," but he didn't move.

Amy whispered something to Boyd who was standing on the other side of the hallway. Boyd nodded and walked in. He pounced on Ike and shouted "WAKE UP CALL!" That woke him up.

Boyd covered most of Ike's body. Ike blushed hotly. "Boyd, get off," Ike said.

Upon seeing Ike's face, Boyd leapt backward in something between terror and disgust. "You don't have to tell me, Ike," he said. Ike rolled his eyes.

"Mister Ike," Amy shouted, "Mister Soren is GONE."

"Gone?" he asked, "Are you sure he didn't just get up early?"

"I checked EVERYWHERE in the fort. He's gone!" Amy cried.

Ike walked over to the outhouse and opened the door… without knocking.

"For the love of… can't a man take a piss without being walked in on by his worst enemy?" an irritated Shinon asked.

"Sorry," Ike said, "I thought it might have been Soren."

"And he is somehow exempt from the 'knock on the outhouse before opening the door' rule?" Shinon asked.

Ike got distracted when he saw Soren sleeping peacefully at the end of the forest. He was filthy and his pale skin was bruised by large fingers. Ike gingerly lifted him, trying with his utmost effort not to wake him, and placed him in bed.


	5. Initiated, Met, Diseased, Dazzled

"I…Ike?" the mage asked groggily upon awakening. "How did I get back in bed?"

"I carried you…" Ike answered, "The real question is, how did you get _out of _bed? I can tell someone handled you roughly by looking at the marks on your skin."

"Largo apparently has never heard of 'asking someone a favor' before. He kidnapped me and the other mages to try to figure out what Calill likes," Soren said, "We were willing to help him because he didn't mean anything malicious, but that man is strong. I mean, you're really strong too, but at least you know to hold back when touching me."

Ike looked concerned. "Look, if I'm not being a good protector you can just tell me."

"No, Ike, you're the best protector a man could ask for," Soren replied. "Say, Ike? I'm going on a study trip to Ohma to learn more about the mine there, so don't worry about me if I'm gone the whole rest of the day."

"Oh, okay, Soren. But if you get hurt, don't feel bad about having to come home, okay?" Ike asked, kissing his tactician goodbye. Soren blushed and began preparing for the trip. He was devastated when he found out that his books had been messed with.

"My books…" he said, while observing the tomes. They had been chewed on by a rat. Amy came out of the corner carrying a beautiful white rat.

"I'm sorry," Amy said, "This is Chester. He's my new friend."

"Well, I would appreciate it if you kept _Chester _out of my things," Soren muttered.

"Alright, Mister Soren," she responded. She went outside to go frolic with the flowers.

Ike murmured when he was sure Soren was out of earshot, "Please be careful…"

Oscar and Boyd were standing nearby. Oscar said, "Ike, Soren's a big boy now and he can take care of himself, unlike _some _people I know."

"Yeah, I know peewee is always crying and… HEY!" Boyd responded, once he caught the implication.

"I know," Ike said, "It's just that he's so small and fragile and if anything bad happened to him I'd never forgive myself. But I have a feeling he doesn't want me to follow him. How am I supposed to keep an eye on him if he'd be angry with me following him?"

"Ike, I think you should most _definitely _follow him," Oscar responded. "If Soren wanted to make sure you of all people _weren't _with him, something must be up."

"Yeah," Boyd answered, "He might be cheating on you…"

"Soren would never cheat on me, Boyd," Ike responded, "He pledged his loyalty to me, and I believe him."

Oscar cleared his throat, "I was more thinking that Soren was involved in some life-threatening mission where he didn't want to get you involved."

Ike's eyes widened and he began running, apparently forgetting he had no clue which way Soren went.

---------

"So I guess this is the diamond mine," Vika said, with her hands on her hips, "It looks kind of tacky, don't you agree, Ilyana?"

"Mmm… tack…" Ilyana said, at which point she turned her head to Bastian, "Do you have any sea biscuits?"

"Alas, I do not," proclaimed Bastian. Tormod and Soren both rolled their eyes. Largo led the four mages and Vika into the cave.

"Well, well, well," said a feminine voice, "It looks like I found a little company." The woman came out of the shadows.

"Heather!" Ilyana shouted, "You're the dreaded mine thief!"

"Am I really that dreaded? After all, you and I did…" she told the lavender-haired mage seductively.

"Not in front of the people who like men," she answered, pointing to Soren and Vika.

"I'm not offended," Vika answered.

"Oh… you couldn't just keep that to yourself?" responded an annoyed Soren.

Suddenly Heather caught sight of the leader. He was tall and muscular… he was the man who had slept with Lucia the other day. "_Largo,"_ Heather growled angrily and began trying to knife him, but Largo was really strong and threatened to strangle Heather if she didn't stop. Ilyana threw her left boot at Largo's head.

Largo turned to Ilyana and grabbed her pigtails. "Eek! Help me!" she shouted as he attempted to toss her out of the mine.

"That's no way to treat a mage!" Soren shouted at the tall muscular man. "It's no wonder Calill didn't like you, you brute!" Largo dropped Ilyana and ran over to beat the living shit out of Soren. Tormod blocked the attack.

"You bully!" he yelled, "This guy's even smaller than I am!"

"Thank you, Tormod," Soren breathed, "I owe you one."

Vika screamed like a banshee and kicked Largo in the head, knocking him out. "That's for hurting my friend," she said, "For saving another mage, who was only in danger because he defended another mage…"

Heather was not dissatisfied that Largo was knocked out. "Wow, you ladies—and that cute little kid, and the guy who apparently knows what it's like to be me—are really talented. I can show you guys where the diamonds are the biggest and shiniest," she said. Bastian frowned.

"But what about me, fair Heather?" Bastian asked, "Allow me to serenade your beauty."

Soren, Tormod, and Ilyana all mouthed the word, "Run."

Heather complied leaping over Largo's massive unconscious body which was blocking the path. But seeing as how Heather was much taller and more limber than the three mages (who weren't Bastian), Vika carried them over the heap one by one. Bastian attempted to climb over Largo because he didn't like being ignored during his serenade, but right after he said, "And your hair is like banana-flavored moss along a beach," Largo woke up.

"I slept with your fiancée," Largo said, "And so did Heather."

Bastian was really angry so he pushed with all the strength he could muster and Largo fell into a hole on the east side of the mine. "Bastian!" Largo shouted from there, "Help me!"

Bastian walked out of the cave and left Largo for dead. But he wasn't going to die. A hand with red nail polish reached in. A high voice said, "I'll get you out of here."

She pulled him out of the ditch and he was surprised to see who it was. "Aimee! What are you doing here?" he asked.

"Well," Aimee said, "The other day, I released Calill from prison in exchange for her silencing Soren. The reason I needed Soren silenced was because I wanted to have sex with Ike. So I did, and then we got into a catfight…"

"You and Soren got in a catfight?" Largo asked in disbelief.

"Yes, but then I struck a dirty blow to his crotch, effectively un-silencing him. By this point Ike was extremely angry with me and attempted to kill me. I really thought this was the end, when Soren _healed me, _and I started reflecting on my life.

"I thought that if Soren would have the heart to save my life, then I would have the heart to change my ways. So from now on, I vow to only do what's best for men, and not to torture them," Aimee finished.

"Okay," Largo said, "Aimee, maybe you saving me here means that I should try to forgive Calill."

"Oh, that's great," Aimee said, leading Largo out of the mine.

-------

"Have you gotten over it yet, Geoffrey?" Elincia asked.

"No," Geoffrey answered, "I think I might have post-traumatic stress disorder."

"Geoffrey," Lucia said, rolling her eyes, "Even before Calill knew you, you were always a grade-A freak-out."

"Well maybe he's just a hypochondriac," Elincia said.

"Hypochondria?" Geoffrey asked worriedly, "Is that disease lethal?"

Lucia couldn't help but laugh at her brother. When Bastian walked by, she greeted him. He responded, "Humph."

"He found out about the others," Geoffrey teased.

"Shut up!" Lucia said.

------

The mages, Vika, and Heather stood before the most beautiful white diamond they had ever seen before.

"That diamond is even prettier than Ike," Vika said, only to get a dirty look from Soren.

"Not even close," he responded, "Still it is prettier than any other person I've ever met, not that that's saying much, and it's prettier than any other diamond I've ever seen.

"If we give this to Largo, he'll be able to win Calill back for sure," Tormod said picking up the diamond, "But we're going to have to wake him first.

The mages and Vika were devastated upon leaving the cave to realize Largo was missing.


	6. Understood, Careless, Atoned, Sanguine

Author's Note: Jeez, I'm so sorry that I haven't updated this in forever, and my only excuses for it are that I started playing Harvest Moon: Magical Melody again, discovered the humor that is the Nostalgia Critic, and have been playing with my bucket of homemade character cards way too much. Absolutely NOTHING school related!

Lucia turned around to see Bastian, sitting on the ground and weeping. "Bastian?" she asked softly.

"It's hopeless," sighed Bastian, "You were never one for matrimony, were you, my fair lady? I suppose I should just move on to fancy another dame more suited to my needs…"

"Bastian," Lucia began, "Do you know why I sleep with everyone I meet, assuming they're willing?"

"No, I haven't a clue," he responded.

"It's because, six years ago, I made a mistake. He's long gone now, but, in order to conceal his mark, I covered it with the marks of others. Granted, that only made the problem worse, until I became so uncaring about my body that I didn't remember the feeling of ruin. Perhaps that's why Geoffrey's experiences seem so far off from my own."

Geoffrey was not eavesdropping, per se, but he did overhear the last bit. He was hurt to know that his own sister kept that secret from even him, but even more hurt to know that her lack of sympathy stemmed from her own inability to remember what it was like.

"Elincia," he said, turning to his fiancée, "Promise me that you will help destroy the mark she made."

"I promise," Elincia said, as she clasped his hand in her own.

------------

"Bastian? Largo?" Vika called out. No one responded.

"That hole looks suspicious," pointed out Heather.

"You guys, they probably just got bored and left the cave…" Soren said, "Let's be realistic here."

"Realistic?" Heather asked, "You three can use magic and she can turn into a bird at will. What kind of realism do you need?"

"Well, it's been an established fact that the bullshit-spewing bigoted insensitive dickheads who educate people into thinking mages and laguz are nonexistent were just lying to protect their own egos. On the other hand, it is _also _an established fact that if you leave two heterosexual men with nothing to keep them occupied alone in a cave they will walk away of boredom. It's quite simple, really, Heather," Soren said without a trace of remorse.

They all left the cave hoping that Soren was right. Ilyana was carrying the diamond. After a while, Tormod began to whine. "We've been walking for hours and I don't know where Largo is, I don't know where we are, I really need to pee, and MY FEET HURT!"

"Get used to it," Soren said, "Because we can't stop until we find Largo."

Suddenly the smell of delicious steak came from the south. No one noticed besides Ilyana, who promptly dropped the diamond off the edge of a cliff, causing Soren to lash out at her.

"Ilyana! You just dropped the diamond off of the cliff! Oh, you are so stupid! Why didn't you just let me carry it?"

"I'm sorry, Soren," she said, while crying.

"I didn't mean to yell at you, but how are we going to get it back from the bottom of that stupid cliff?! Because I sure as hell am NOT going back to the mine!"

"Looking for this?" asked a familiar voice. It was Ulki. "Janaff and I were discussing how to renovate Phoenicis Hall in surprise for the king, when he said, 'Ooh, shiny' and began to stare at this. That's when my ears picked up your distinctive voice of anger, Soren."

"Wow, that was a contrived coincidence," Heather said.

"Hey, credible or no, we got the diamond back," Vika pointed out.

"But I will carry the diamond from here on out," Soren said. He came across Largo at the most obvious place of all, his own house.

--------

"How dare you return empty handed?" Calill asked, "I thought you wanted to win me back."

"I do," Largo said.

Soren handed over the diamond, "Largo suggested we find this for you."

Calill just stared at the diamond. "It's beautiful," she said.

Aimee, who was standing silently out of Calill's sight shouted, "Officer, I found the escaped rapist."

The corporal turned around and went after Calill. "Aimee, you backstabbing witch! I should have known you had a catch! Go to hell, you homo-raping hypocrite!"

"There's nothing you can do about it, Calill. No one will believe you if you say I raped someone too," Aimee said.

"But," Soren said threateningly, "They will believe Ike." Aimee stood aback in shock. "All he'll have to say is 'this woman raped me, let another rapist escape from jail, and assaulted my true lover' and you'll go to jail."

"And after you stabbed me in the back like that, good luck getting free, lady," Calill said smarmily.

The corporal arrested both Aimee and Calill and was about to lock them away together when a tense tenor shouted behind them, "WAAAAAAAAIT!"

"Future consort Geoffrey!" the corporal said, in shock.

"Drop the charges, let her go," Geoffrey said with a finality that meant "I forgive you."

"I don't deserve another chance," Calill said, "Not after the way I ruined you."

"So you finally understand," Geoffrey said, "Men can be ruined, and women can ruin. But that's okay, because I understand too—there are worse things in the world than not being a virgin until marriage, like not being a virgin until marriage and having your spouse be mad at you."

"Geoffrey, what the _hell?" _asked a legitimately confused Soren, "This is the woman who _raped _you, _stole _your very hard-saved virginity, and _escaped from prison, _and you're just going to _let her go!?"_

"The first step to a functioning society is forgiveness," Geoffrey said cheerfully.

Soren thought for a moment of how he saved Aimee, and then quickly repressed it, repeated Geoffrey's line in a high, nasally over-the-top voice and rolled his eyes at the sanguine bullshit.

Amy ran to the scene, where Calill was freed, again able to look at Largo's diamond. "Largo, that diamond is beautiful, thank you. But it's a little big."

"Don't worry, Calill," said Largo, "I know a use."

---------

Wedding bells were ringing; the dual wedding was between Elincia and Geoffrey, who promised to always be loyal to each other, and Lucia and Bastian, who promised not to be disloyal to each other and always tell one another when they were sleeping with someone else that night. Amy grinned because her parents were still together. Elincia tossed her bouquet which landed in Soren's lap.

"Dear goddess, I didn't even try to catch it…" he said while blushing.

"Soren, that reminds me," Ike said, rummaging through his bag and pulling out a velvet box. "I was going to save this for later, but since you caught the bouquet and everything," he opened the box, "Will you elope with me? There's nothing I dream of more than spending the rest of my life with you."

"Yes, yes I will," Soren said as he kissed Ike on the lips.

"I thought you said two men couldn't get married," Amy said over the back of her chair.

"We can't… really… but it's fun to pretend," Ike said, "We'll be as close to married as we can get, but… far away from here."

Amy began to cry. "But, I'll miss you guys so much…" she said.

"Here," Ike said, as he took off his headband and handed it to her, "Use this to remember me by."

Mist made an irritated sound in the background. "Oh, shut up, Mist, you get most of my clothes anyway!" he said, referring to the years of hand-me-downs that Mist never wore for fear of looking like a boy-loving boy.

Soren whispered into Amy's ear, "Ike's probably going to die a lot sooner than either you or me, so when that happens…" He had to physically stop himself from sobbing. "When that happens, I might come to visit."

"Mister Soren," Amy asked, "I have a birthmark like yours."

"Yes," he said flatly, "Yes you do. And that's why Ike's going to die before us. I don't want to ruin your innocence with the details now, but if you go talk to Mister Stefan, he will insist most of what is known is a lie anyway."

As Ike and Soren embarked on their lifelong journey, Calill said to Largo, "Let's go make love." Amy was left in the castle with the queen and her new consort. Calill went to bed first. She took off all her clothes and began to do the same for Largo. Each thrust was easy and calm, and when he started to turn her on, the name that slipped her mouth was his own.


End file.
